The colors of my depression!

In the spring of 1995 my mother left a really abusive marriage to my father. The years of abuse seen and experienced took a toll on my life and the way I processed everything. Looking at me now you would never know that my inner ear is broken because I was kicked in my head, or that I was called a B&tch more than I was hugged by my father. It took me stepping out of traditional attitudes and getting in touch with myself.

I went to counseling immediately after we arrived in Asheville NC. I stayed in therapy off and on for about 15 years. But during those 15 years I still experienced trauma. Parents finally divorcing (not sure if that was trauma) Mother dying, fighting father in court for full custody of my siblings, being diagnosed with the heart disorder than killed my mother, a racist work environment among other things.  But I pushed on or just moved it to another room in my brain. It took me actually naming and claiming my feelings for me to address them. I had to give it a color, a why and a process.

When people say depression; they often think you are feeling blue and just sad. I rarely felt like my down days were blue. Blue and yellow were my regular up days. But my days could be dark as night or white as day. The days that my emotions were on white, it was in my face and I could not escape what I was feeling. My pain was blinding me and pushing me to hide. I was mad not sad! Sad would have been nice. I would grind my teeth. I would also snap at people. This was the most dangerous times for me; because I felt like I was trapped and everyone could tell something was wrong.

 My purple days were wrapped in the emotion of loss! I was missing my mom so dearly and I was grieving the loss of that deep and loving relationship. I needed to have my head in her lap. I needed to be safe. My purple days were bearable, but still hurt.

My black days were the easiest. I was able to blend into the crowd. Hide the pain a little better and being normal was not too far away. This was a tolerable pain but I wanted to have blue or yellow days. Where the blue meant I was able to fly free in the sky or yellow; the sun was shining on me; the warmth of life.

When I took the time and labeled my days I knew what I had to do. When I was in purple, I would find an older friend to talk to. This made me feel better. It did not take the pain of not having my mother away but it let me connect with a maternal figure.  When I was in my white days, I needed to take a day off. I was drowning and I needed to rescue myself. These are days I would just write what I was feeling. Where was this coming from, how could I change what was happening to me? This went on for years until I went to a Doctor’s appointment and I was told to quit my job or die. I quit my job 3 months later and coded twice a year later, after I had my daughter. So I am good at taking advice. I quit and technically die (this is serious but it is a joke too)

Depression has been covered up for so long as something you are just sad and that you should just get over it. Life is a process! When you mess up your eyebrow, most of us don’t just walk around with a jacked up eyebrow! NO!!! We draw that sucker in and fake it until we make it. That is usually what we do with life. We draw in the missing pieces instead of dealing with the color and cause of the pain. We want it to be perfect. We want to control what is happening.

I had to learn how not to take my past too serious. I was abused, emotionally, mentally, and physically. But I had great days where those things did not happen. My childhood had some sucky days but I broke the cycle of abuse and I am pretty hot wife and mom. And these are my real eyebrows.

I had to learn to say no. I always felt like I was disappointing people. My thing is, if I die tomorrow they will figure it out. Give them some practice and say Hell No!

I had to learn to forgive myself and know that it was okay to cry, be weak and not to be ashamed of anything that has happened to me. I am not my past, but I will bring the old me out to handle a new you. (#DontDoItMrsSophia).

We all have our own rainbow of emotions. Depression is not an ugly disease and it does not mean that you are broken. You just process life a little differently. I usually process life better with a stack of chocolate chip cookies and some Solange playing in the back ground. But hey Do you, the way you need too!!!!!

With Love

Sullybug’s Mama