What Do I want to Be When I Grow Up?
You can ask a million people about their childhood dream job
and it is not what they are doing right now. One of my friends wanted to be a
photographer, she is now an accountant. Another wanted to work as a news broadcaster,
she is a teacher. As a little kid; some would tell you that I would have
probably gone into the entertainment business. I wanted to work on Wall Street
and crunch numbers. Believe it or not I use to love numbers. But my uncle told
me I was not strong enough for Wall Street. Dreams Deferred!!!
We have all heard the saying “A million people can say yes
and one person can say no; you will always remember the no.” I felt that way a
lot as a kid. Never good enough to make it out of my situation. After a while I
felt like I was supposed to be a tortured soul angry because the wind was cool
and the sun was hot. I had heard no too many times to realize there had been a
yes.
Why none of the self-help stuff worked for me is because I
needed a moment to really figure out why I was hurting. Why did I let my dreams
be deferred? None of those books talked about getting to the root of my problem
so I would not end there again. First, what the hell was I feeling? How many
times was I hurt before I hit this spot? I had to sit down and remember every
time my heart felt this emotion. Whether I was 28 or 8 years old I had to
acknowledge it and let myself grieve a part that was emotionally injured.
Someone might say that will take forever. How many times have I been hurt? I
had to learn the hard way. The reason why I was not successful is because I
never dealt with the hurt that others caused me and that I caused myself. I was
constantly going back into the emotional hole of hurt.
I wrote down “Why didn’t you pursue a career in finance?” I only had one answer and it was because my uncle told me I was not strong enough for Wall Street. At that time in my life my uncle was my only male figure, my father was not a good dad during that time and or many times. When he said that to me it hurt and this made me question “what does he know about me that I did not know about me? After that conversation, I valued myself less and I did not try anymore. A couple of years later my mother died and I was on a path of a career that I did not really want. Anytime I thought about a different career, I always heard him say I was weak. Should I be mad at my uncle no, he is clearly an asshole. But I should be mad at myself for allowing someone to have that much power over my emotions. He had an important position in my life but I gave him that position. Sometimes we give people too much power and this is where I messed up.
How many times have I given people power who mean nothing to our
daily lives? How much could you have achieved if you would have not talked to
someone else? We find ourselves looking for approval from the people who aren’t
happy with themselves. First things first; get people who aren’t working for
you and with off your team and out of your dreams. If you can’t see me
successful then we should go our separate ways. Second, let people know that
what they have said is affecting you. Don’t let 17 years go by and you are
paying for therapy when you could have cursed someone out and missed Thanksgiving
dinner in 1999. Sometimes cleaning out your friends includes family. I have cut
off family members so quick that I forgot they were family.
So where am I now?
I am 36 years old, a really hot mama and still trying to
figure out my life. The big question is still “What do I want to be when I grow
up?” At this moment, I am trying to be a great, loving mother, wife and good
friend to myself. I am doing pretty well at that and for now I’m okay with that
while I figure out this thing called life. (Without my Uncle’s opinion of
course)
With Love
Sullybug's Mom
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