Lost love, lost me

Where do we go from here?

Many people find themselves in a cluster muck after breaking up. Whether it was 2 years, or 3 months or heck 2 weeks your body and mind has to process what has happened. We all go through the cycle of relationship grief. Bombarding ourselves with questions, feeling low or thinking that our time has been wasted? You might think about what others will say and will they judge me? Will they say I can’t keep a partner or I run through them like new socks, or it must be something wrong with me because I’m single again?

It might be something wrong with you! Let’s see, oh here is one: you knowing when you met them you should have immediately un-met them. They have 5 kids and do not have their own place.  Or my favorite sabotaging the relationship so they can’t hurt you first. By this you are picking at every flaw this person has. You know they sucks their teeth, they go to their mommy’s house all the time, and they don’t talk like I do. They farts in their sleep. Rude awaking; we all fart in our sleep, it is called life. But if there are things you hear the person say after every break-up, then maybe that is something you need to explore. Like you are angry and you hold onto everything.

Why not me?

Never judge a couple by their outer appearance. It takes tons of work and dedication to make a relationship move and grow. Some people may look at a past relationship and the ex has moved on; or gotten married and you have ill feelings about this. I have heard a lot of questions like: Why is he/she so great with them? Why couldn’t he/she been that way with me? What does she have; that made him grow up and do right? First mistake; why are you looking at a past relationship for anything but self-improvement for yourself? Apparently you do not realize that you guys are not together and you both have been set free. Do people visit jail for fun when they are released? Maybe they do but I will judge if you do. This new relationship might be great or it might be the same thing you went through. What you need to remember is that is none of your business. It does not concern your or pay your bills, so you should just focus on today and you. When you are constantly in the past, you talk about it all the time. You talk about it to potential mates and they don’t want to hear that. That is a turn off and then you are a turn off. Then they don’t call you anymore and then you say they are all the same. Maybe you are making them leave because your conversation and attitude are all the same. NEGATIVE!!!. If you have to live in the history of relationships that did not make it, then you will always live in Miserytown. Population you, you and your feelings. How about we take them out of the equation and just focus on self. Write down what were the issues in the relationship i.e.: arguing, different interest, sex or cheating. Then look at the years that have passed by, have you grown any? Are you still stuck on a relationship that has died and how is that effecting your now? The big one, “Is it really me?” It could be you. If you are too demanding, a push over, no dreams and basically rip people apart with words. Then you will be alone. You are to grow not stay in the same place and even if you are right, a person that is right does not make that person feel inferior nor do you shame them.  

You ignored the expiration date!

No one keeps milk for 2 years after the expiration date. Then keep opening it up and getting the same gut wrenching stench every day. So why do we force the relationship pass qualification? Well many reasons that I have heard are: Well, I put so much time in this, I’m not going to let another woman enjoy the fruits of my labor. I have been with him for 5 years, I don’t want to start over. Why should I end this, they are all the same? Well the answer is because you are going to die in misery! Hey, by all means if you want your last words to be “Damn, I should have left your ass!” then have at it. But that is not what you deserve and can’t be what your heart wants. Time commitment is never a good reason to keep someone. If you got a bad perm are you going to keep that hairstyle because it took so long for you to get it done? No, you are not! You will ask for your money back or demand something be done. But you will stay in a relationship because of the fruits of your labor. Well if you like grape sized seedless apples, then cool keep at it. Because you are producing dead fruit. So take that bag and drop it off somewhere else, like in Not Hereland. Where people drop it off and forget it!

I get it, we as people put up with not being treated well, not being protected and loved and used just to say we have someone of our own. We want to belong to someone or some group. We are like fish we love to school together. There are a few crabs and I say this with Southerner Love; Bless your hearts. But you would not want to be a goldfish in a pond a piranha.  So don’t continue to place yourself in a relationship that needs to end. It does not matter if you were together for 5 years or 5 months know when it is time to walk away. That relationship will eventually end by force, choice or common sense. Make sure it is common sense so you can process and recover.

Times a wasting!

Don’t take too long to figure out what you want in a relationship. Make a list about the things that you absolutely cannot do without and what you will not deal with. Then honestly answer do you have those things that you demand of someone else. If no then you either need to take it off your list, you need work on yourself to meet your own qualifications or be alone. Many will be alone because you don’t want to be honest with yourself and that is okay! But don’t blame everyone else for your loneliness. Also find a friend that is honest with you. You don’t need a yes man or yes girl. You need someone to say no you are acting like an ass or I love you but others don’t. A relationship with a partner is just like a business relationship it is a give and take and everybody works or you lose. You have to find the balance. You also have to be honest and upfront about what you are looking for. If you want a relationship then tell that person. But please don’t follow the script of lies because you hope the plot of the story is going to change. It is like scary movies, it is very rare or even unheard of that the black guy that was killed in scene 1 is actually the killer or even is still alive because he only broke his ribs and not his neck.

My advice to anyone wanting to find love, is to not focus on having a partner but focus on falling in love with yourself. Date yourself and see if you like being with you. Learn to be alone and happy with life. Really get to know you and then you are ready to let someone in your life. You can’t have a relationship if you have no idea who you are or where you belong in life.

 

 

With love