Mommy's not home

I did not receive an email from her that day. It was strange I woke up and I felt like something was missing but I could not put my finger on it. I checked my computer and phone nothing from her. I just assumed that she was busy that day. But around 11:00 am, that changed. It was a knock on the door and there stood my mom’s boyfriend and a therapist from my school. I looked at a tear soaked face man who could only say “Zee baby let me in the room” I froze, my skin tingled and I looked at him and said she is dead isn’t she. He said yes sweetie, let me in the room. I asked “tell me how she died and I will let you in.” His simple reply was “In her sleep.”  He whispered those words but it sounded like he was screaming, or was it me screaming. At this time, I don’t know. I just know that my entire body hurt. It was a deep ache, a soul shaking ache that tore my entire life apart. It felt like someone kidnapped the air and I was left to find it in a room that was sealed with painful memories that clawed at my mind. I immediately was relieved she died in her sleep. But where was my little brother and sister. They were safe downstairs in the counseling office. I screamed, I think I screamed. I think I ran; I am just not sure. I remember being at the door and waking up on the other side of the room with carpet burns down my legs. I was so mad at GOD. How could he do this to me? Me and mom were just getting close; why would he take her away? How could he be so selfish and take her from me. I was 21 years old and she was gone. It felt like the world was moving and I was the only thing that was still. It wasn’t real, I am okay I will wake up from this. But I did not, my friends came into the room to help console me. Is this real? She can’t be dead! I was just there; I spoke to her yesterday how could this be?

This was the longest ride home, the wind seemed so loud. But the silence from the kids was even louder. They were in their pajamas and they were so small 13 and 11 years old. They found her while getting ready for school. I looked to the sky and just wanted to know why GOD, JUST WHY? How could you do this to them? They are babies and they need her! I was so angry, hurt and in disbelief. I had so many emotions that I could not just pick one. I did not know if I should cry or curse. If I should laugh or scream. I could not think. The phone calls, the planning the picking out a dress, the handling of business; I wanted to crawl under my mother’s body and just go wherever she was going.

It has been 15 years and this seems like a dream even today. I often think about what she would look like. What would she say about my beautiful daughter? How would her hair look? Would she have remarried, she deserved to remarry? I just have so many questions about her and me. The kids are now 28 and 26 years old. So much has changed. My heart still longs and aches for her. I want to hold her hand, I want to tell her how my life is going. I want to say I love you mommy and let me touch your teeth. She hated that, but always laughed.

People will try to tell you how to grieve and that time heal everything. Okay first this is not a broken arm and even some broken bones gives you trouble time to time. We are so quick to put someone on the grief scheduled, that we will judge their actions as if there is book. Like: How To Grieve For the Public Monthly! By Ino Evredthan Johnson. But just in case you can’t get the book; You get all the grief special interest groups such as:

I’m going to preach you to death people (please allow the person to ask about prayer and GOD allow them to feel)

The I’m going to feed you to death people (they are important, they got snacks. Let them in the house)

The I’m just here so that someone else saw me and can say she/he is a good friend. (Delete them, they will tell the other visitors how they just passed out when they heard the news)

Then you got the I wanna see the casket people. (Direct them to the nearest life insurance company please)

And my favorite group I’m just here because I want to say that I know how you feel because I lost my grandmother and she was like my mom. Now that is the one that took me off my rocker. What your grandmother was 876 years old she baby sat King Tut and you are comparing her to my 47 years old mother and my big sister is pregnant with her first grandchild. This group made me want to turn into the Oh you want me to slap you griever. There were times that I was sure I was going to jail.  But I would inhale and exhale and inhale again and exhale real hard with an eye roll.

There are so many changes when you have someone to die. Everyone wants to help you but no one can truly understand your pain. I have friends who have lost their mother and it is terrible but I don’t know how they feel. The only thing I can offer is an ear; because everyone grieves and feels differently. Sure the grief process is set up in cute little wheel and colors and arrows but that wheel does not say limited time only. Matter of fact there is not an expiration date on grief.  There are days I am great and days that suck. I mean they really suck. I think about my mom every day; and it has been 15 years. And I will grieve and miss her for another 15 and another. You know why because life continues to happen. Holidays, big events, small events, movies will come out and funny things will happen. And you will want to call that loved one. Just like I want to see my mom at 50 or 60; there is a mom who wanted to see her son turn 1, a brother who wanted to see his sister go to prom; a dad who wanted to dance at his daughter’s wedding. Time does not erase the person and it does not clear the mind.

If you are truly concerned about someone who is grieving listen and don’t judge. Don’t judge the man or woman who starts dating months after a spouse dies. You know why because they shared a bed, a life and a home with someone for years and that home, bed and life are empty now. It is human to want to feel loved. Don’t judge and don’t talk to them to get information to spread lies.

Don’t judge the mother and father that loses a child and gets pregnant again; that gives up on being parents or that adopts. You don’t know their story! You don’t know how many times they have tried or if they can afford to have another baby. Matter of fact stop asking people if they are going to have another baby. I had a hysterectomy because of complications, no I can’t have any more babies. This house is now a studio apartment.

Don’t judge the son or daughter that has not changed the house or sold the house or did not come to the funeral. Matter of fact unless you are buying, renting or paying for something don’t worry about that. But when they ask for help be there.

My tips:

Stop coming to the funeral to meet the out of town family members of the deceased, this is not EHarmony live. Stop wearing your club skirt to the funeral, well unless the funeral is at the club then carry on. Stop volunteering to carry the flowers if reading the obituary was the first time you learned the person’s real name. Stop it just stop it now. Okay I am back

I am going to end this with this saying that I just made up for this blog. You cause more harm offering your opinion and advice, sometimes silence is the most beautiful bucket of chicken you can bring.

With love

Sullybug's Mom


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